Anonymous email

Yesterday night I wrote an email especially an "Anonymous email" to RJ telling him that I like him.
Hope it should go into his spam mail but corner of my little heart secretly hopes that he should read it.

This is the mail which I wrote him:

<>

I think I like you. You might not even know me so don't stress out remembering it.

My friends say that its better to tell that person whom you really like than regretting

it so here I am letting you know. Just sending it anonymously because its not

going to work.

. . . . .

. . . . .

<>

The thing is I am talking to many people but I don't feel they are meant to be. For whom I feel I should say it na.

So here i am telling him what i feel about him. Might be it would never be read because i don't even know what's his mail id is. I just randomly dropped an email guessing to be his. 

I think I am taking an efforts to make relationship work but do I really like them? Them are the people whom I am actually talking to or kind of dating. No I don't like them. So I thought why not to take some efforts for the person who is worth and I really like for who he is! Few weeks back I had called him but didn't had guts to actually speak on phone. So what I couldn't say I wrote it. 

I have even deleted the number from my phone and the book, so I won't be tempted to call. Mail would be the last one. I believe that if we want something and if its meant to be then universe will fight against all odds and make it happen. Hope he would join dots and call me back on my office number which I had used to call him few days back or it was never meant to be. And I could move on and meet and talk to the new people with open mind than just regretting that I could have at least made some effort.

Tick list:
- Writing someone a letter telling about my feelings (Done)

I am happy though for telling my feeling to someone in actual to the person I actually liked!
This is one of the things which I haven't shared with my sissy definitely she is going to kill me
if I tell her. I did told her I wrote an letter or email but didn't tell it was RJ she feels he is not right one for me. I mean he is the right guy but marriage is the bonding of family as well as the person. And his family and my family won't ever be happy.

Life is all about moving ahead. We meet new peoples, create new memories. Might I did wish him to find purpose of life but did I know purpose of my life. Might be its the time to close the chapter of my life. And open new chapter of life looking forward!

P.S: If he ever callbacks on my office number then my stupid voice message would say my name :( So much of calling anonymously :( I can't reveal my name to him my bad my self respect would go in drain hai na !!! :( :( Else I was planning to write him a  second mail but now I have to let go of it and think practical...

I am planning to move to Cali but have too much on my plate. My sis seriously thinks that its the bad decision.
I had a dream of staying next to his house. I had almost had dreams of him for 4-5 times after writing an email :(. Offcourse I know his address hope it doesn't make me super creepy person I just found it by chance. But anyway the point is should I try or let it go?

But god should give atleast one signal that its ok to take risk ....

Is Ravan really bad?

I didn't know that answers which I am seeking were inside the book of Ravan written by Amish.
Might be the back of the mind I always knew the answer and might be I didn't want to acknowledge it.

Currently I am in love with this book.

<Poem from that book>

The Clouds rush to the
Mountain,
they caress him gently,
they fight for his attention,
they rise to kiss his lips.
The Clouds believe the Mountain is smitten,
that he stands so high to not let them pass,
that he stands uncomfortably still, with rishi-like repose,
because he waits for their return every year.
There’s no doubt in their mind:
The Mountain loves them.
It’s sad that they’ll never know
that the Mountain doesn’t care for them,
he only wants the nourishing rain they carry,
he doesn’t nudge them up to kiss them,
he does it to break them and get what he wants,
and by the time they understand,
it’s too late.
It’s sad that no Cloud survives to warn the others.
The River rushes to the Sea,
her instincts tell her this is her destiny.
She’s grown up on stories of love,
on tales of blind and illogical passion,
and she’s in too much of a hurry to meet
her lover, to feel rather than think.
But when she sees the Sea,
his immensity, depth, power,
she hesitates and meanders.
But her innate romanticism wins,
And she flows happily into his arms.
It’s sad that she’ll never know
that the Sea doesn’t love her,
that the Sea is too lost in his own grandiosity
to even notice the River.
That her loving embrace doesn’t change the Sea,
that the water she received as a gift from the Sea
was actually given to her by a philanthropic Sun.

And then there’s the Earth.
Unlike the others, she thinks more than feels,
Her mind is more powerful than her heart,
She sees the Sun,
Luminous and spirited, alone and magnificent,
Has so much and is so wasteful with it.
The Earth, being smart,
Uses the Sun’s wasted energy,
Nourishes herself and grows,
in character, in mind, body and spirit.
She marvels at her own brilliance
and what she’s done with her life.
She fears the Sun and his immense power,
and detests the way he lavishes his God-given gifts.
It’s sad that she’ll never know that the Sun could have left,
Yet he stands there all alone, so that he can give to the Earth.
He burns himself, so she may benefit from it,
He wants to come closer, but he knows he can’t,
He knows his passion is so strong that he’ll hurt her,
So he stands apart and admires his Lady.
It’s sad that no one’s around to tell the Earth
Tell her just how much the Sun loves her.
<>

People have said that Sita the second part is the best might be I will hold till Thursday to read it. After many years I had that serine feeling of reading continuously that's beauty of  the book which holds us together.

In a spur of moment I called RJ today and I listened to his voice it was so confused but to me it was refreshing I felt nice. I felt calm and happy just like that. I think small small things matters to us lot. I have been planning to call from almost a year or two and didn't knew how to but finally randomly I discussed this with my friend who suggested me to call from my office number.

I thought over a span of months and then understood over a span of time that I don't trust anyone rather than Vishal and RJ. RJ I am still not sure though, he might be bad.


..... continued

Random Selector

I know this is stupid of me but I use most of the times random selector. But what to do if I ask my sis to help me on what to do or I am confused then most common answer would be do what u think is best. I mean if I would have known what is right then why would have asked her.

Gaurav never calls these days so I complained to my sister she is like don't ping him or call till week and wait. Take a week gap and then you will know what you feel about.I think we are not talking because we don't know what to talk. But if it was Ro I could have talked a lot. I love to talk and I need someone who likes to listen.

Kinds of people I have talked - over shy, little shy and egoistic, friendly, very direct that makes you uncomfortable, straightforward. Now I wonder whom I like the most.

Ro - Lots of ego but was nice and cute and most of all he was weirdo and I like weird people offcourse I won't tell anyone :)

I like friendly guy till now. Lets check how straightforward guy turns to be. Anyway I wonder talking to all these people I could write character sketch for my story.

I still wonder if I meet Ro what would I say. Meri bolti to Ro se milte hai band ho jati hai nahi to mein avayi kitni bakbak karti rehti hu. But anyway Ro is far fetched dream which would never would come true :) If life is too short I have to meet you once again its one of my wish.

Selector .....
      Microsoft Seattle Office---> MICROSOFT IT IS

I think the probability is of Microsoft or Vmware or Nvidia office. I like Boston a lot so I am inclined towards it.

Not moving to Bay Area for sure because I want to buy home which would be way to expensive in Bay Area

Now I am even considering of doing Phd and as always my sis says why the hell do u want to do Phd. Better spend some time in starting ur own business because thats ur next wishlist.

Amid Pandemic

I am feeling like I am dreaming about the life similar to Bird's box movie but its actually happening. This year I had planned so much. From switching a job, to buying a house and at least seriously date someone if not marry. Sonaki and me even prioritized our goals for a year but then covid19 happened and now we have to re-prioritize it again :( So now the biggest priority for us is to save our job. I know its going to hit hard on the economy and I can't turn blind eye and imagine its never going to happen. In between my mom keeps urging to talk to guys whom I get request from matrimony site or either ping Vishal but I don't want to amid this wave of uncertainty. Both of which I am not going to do. Better than talking or chatting virtually I would instead hangout with my friends or talk to my family. Worried also about Ro, he works indirectly with airlines in Germany hope he is fine and also his job is secure. In US the layoffs are very common but in Germany I am not sure.

My priority is now is to focus on my job and study. And also force my sister to study computer science topics. As soon as everything will get stabilize will like to meet Ro atleast for last time. Might be I have never officially dated him but he was the indirect motivator in my life and for that I have to thank him. Buy house in US or India I think I can clear my house loan if I buy loan though it would be little stressful but that's my wishlist. Earlier I was thinking of first getting married and then prioritizing but now I have chucked off marriage from my list and now things are getting better I am able to think clear and plan things accordingly. I am not of the person who would leave things on destiny. I like to take things in my hand and plan accordingly.

Also I don't think US is doing good job in handling pandemic. One side is economy and other side is virus though US has money we are not managing it properly. So worst case might be I have to return back to India or die in covid19.

SO LIFE is TOO SHORT appreciate what time you actually have than cursing what you don't have.

I know as my sis says my wishlist would never be consistent would always be changing. But atleast I can make smaller achievable wishlist.

My WishList:

1. Buy & decorate house (swing is must)
2. Wear famous designer dress (Sabyasachi, Anita Dogra designed)
3. Visit Denmark.Germany.Fiji
4. Atleast fix some failures or do some enhancement in opensource "linux kernel" code kind of work with Linus Torvald
5. Open Chai & Book store kind of concept (no coffee & book) because I love tea than coffee
6. Meet muskaan..i am big time fan of her fanfics.
7 . I want to adopt a girl and name her Sia atleast till I reach 30. Might be because I really want to be mother more than a wife.

<to be continued>

First date: MayBe

I think I need to reset my parameters to search my life partner. Like my car people told AWD is mandatory and then I started limiting my options to AWD car. Which later I did discard and thought on the features which I actually actually want and not just because people have told me to. But now I think here the analogy to AWD is the caste which I think is not necessary, my parents say its important just to eliminate the risk of divorce but I think we don't have any control on life. Life is not in my hand and I had the long time wish to date someone might be it would work and might be it wont we can just be friends. But atleast my wish to date someone would be ticked and that would make me happy.

So this weekend someone actually asked me out for lunch/dinner. Funny thing is I don't know much about him and kind of going on blind date. He had asked me for rock climbing initially but then I denied because I am really scared of heights and don't want to do something  which I am really scared of. And then Aman asked me for lunch or dinner which I agreed. Off course, I would pursue for lunch and dinner is not an option. I know this won't work out because he is from Amazon and I have a very bad history with Amazon as a company and also with guys from Amazon it never works out in my case. I did agree just for my experience and wish list to go on date.  

Gaurav with whom I was talking initially first did show some interest in meeting me but now I don't think he interested in meeting which is kind of confusing but I can't be in a confused and hopeful state. I did like Gaurav he had all the qualities which i was looking even though I think little shorter than me I was ready to ignore that fact due to all other qualities. Even my parents liked him. But now he is delaying the meeting which might affect my wish to get married this December. If it doesn't work out then I have to again start looking for guys from scratch which would be very late. So I have accepted to go out on lunch with Aman. 

Relationships are really confusing and finding the life partner till Dec is a challenge. Dec is not any hardcore deadline set by anyone its just my wish to get married till I am 28 years. And in India people usually get married in between Dec - Feb. Even if I don't get married but still I would be happy because I have made some efforts to achieve what I actually want. I might just adopt one child because I want to be mother more than a wife.

Again after watching my favorite movie "Jab We Met" I have started believing it -
"What we actually actually wish from our heart we get it"

Movies and books totally influence me :(


Now back to work @NK. Life is so difficult na have to involve emotionally to find a life partner, study harder to switch for high paying job, work hard to be in par with colleagues, be fit to eat what we wish to eat and what we wish to wear and all also actually do and learn what you loved or wish to do. For me its playing badminton, going on vacation visiting new places understanding new culture, going on adventure though little scary one are the things which makes me happy!


Update:
My first date didn't happen I didn't msg him that day because was not sure so instead went out with my friend for dinner and on Sunday visited with same friend witch museum. Had fun! We even did some things out of box such as visiting an Psychic and had our reading which offcourse I don't believe. She told that I won't get married this year due to some reasons :( pakka it might be due to this coronavirus. We even had plans to do photoshoot together in witch outfits but our bad the shop got closed early.

Update 2:
We had rescheduled our date to next Saturday and this time we had decided to go on hiking and have lunch. But it got cancelled again due to coronavirus lockout kind of situation. So I think I kind of have bad luck in meeting or dating anyone!

I think its ok to meet people who stay nearby I could atleast meet someone I am done with texting and calling I think its waste of time. Earlier I used to text but later I got bored so I then tried calling which again didn't work out. So this time I have stopped texting and calling and now its directly meeting anyone rather than wasting my precious time which I could I have spent in reading some awesome fanfics or chitchatting with the close ones.

Anyway dating chats and all I need to stop for sometime I could just do some timewaste when got bored kind of might be I may find someone serious but else I need to focus on wishlist I had focused earlier before coming back from my India trip.