Life is hard

Life is so unusual. You date, you dream, you make efforts, and then one day at some moment you find some stupid reason to break and, then everything is repeated. 

Life is more than that sometimes I feel. Nowadays, however, the time you spend dating is not enough, actual life starts after you are married. Marriage is about how much you can keep it giving its the big task itself which should always need an effort. Its about how much you are willing to put effort into. 

I don't like anyone now actually, I am happy with myself. I sometimes feel to give my life in US and come back to India. My family needs me in their life. Good that I went to US so that I can take independent decision in my life and I am strong enough to help my family in hard times. My mom and my sister definitely need my help. 

Beginnings of November 2021

 I can't believe that it's the end of 2021 year and I am yet to find the love in my life. I mean I have met many people till the date, but there is no one which I could trust enough to accompany me on this journey.

So I am back to the search again. Meeting Fareen was good I feel I could finally make peace with the Shirang stuff she talking about the Husaifa and me with Shrirang ..my failed relationship made me realize that we shouldn't change our requirements just because last time it didn't work out. I like mature people who are not commitment-phobic trustworthy and respectful in nature who I can imagine my future.

Shrirang was commitment-phobic but had other qualities. Aditya acts sometimes immaturely but has other qualities. But I want all the qualities in the guy which is fair enough.

So my new list - mature, trustworthy, and respectful in nature. But while telling I need to tell just trustworthy, reliable, and respectful.

I still feel if things would have worked with RJ then I wouldn't have had to go through the dating process. I am actually bored with all dating and I need some break might do something else might be studying hard to switch jobs or work hard for promotion. Good that next year my home would be ready and would be busy it homely sharpening my interior decor art.

The worst is I repeatedly took bad decisions in my life. Initially, I should have convinced my parents for RJ then I should have atleast agreed to meet the guy who my parents were suggesting. Then I should have seriously considered dating Vishal instead of showing lots of attitude and ego. 

Ohh my god something good actually happened in my life .. funny thing is after every breakup I see always the hope of RJ. RJ has created the profile on the matrimony website.  Now I can stalk him :) But again I can't send him the request because his family has already denied with just stupid horoscope which I don't think that it didn't match because RJ has sun sign: Taurus and moon sign: Virgio which should have matched with my horoscope but definitely my father can't satisfy his fathers ego. 

Actually, my father is the reason I am facing difficulty in getting married. Don't consider in the wrong sense! My father is very proud of his daughters and in this marriage market I don't understand why this guys parents need lots of respect why can't they treat as equal. Because my father can't be polite for sure he is the very direct speaker which makes sometimes other people offended.

My sister believes that I should forget RJ and move ahead, but what to do I always think RJ is the best even though I haven't met him. I want to get married to RJ but my sister and my father would definitely be against me. STupid guy I feel he is ok to date someone from Canada too but not someone who stays in United States itself. I should get over him. 

I just checked my horoscope with RJs and it is matching with 21 points but stupid son and parents they don't understand my worth I feel. Maybe he is not meant to be in my life but I can't stop thinking about him. I should move ahead but I want to try finally the 55-5 manifestation technique and check if we are truely meant or not else I will move ahead.  

My friends say that you should directly contact him but its not easy. I could have done that if we were not related. But in this case I haven't met him, his father just denied looking at the patrika and I am 100% sure that my patrika matches so seriously they don't want to consider me. I am not sure if it was RJ or his father. If it was RJ then I will seriously look like despo, if it was his father and if RJ didn't know then it was a different case altogether. But again if RJ tells his father then if my parents would know they would definitely yell at me. 

Know I am confused if I should contact RJ or not. I mean instead of making efforts and sacrifices to date someone out of my caste and making all such adjustments I feel that I should date RJ instead because I had actually liked him. Sometimes I feel why to search at all stupid sites than simply contact R.J and then let him decide if he wants to date or not.

Beginnings of October 2021

While walking, as usual, today in the evening, I was lost in thoughts of my code and was mentally visualizing what approach should I take to solve the problem and someone waved at me.  When I looked at the person, it was kind of a shocker! Guess who I met?  I met Maulik, I never thought I could meet him. He moved to my city :) It was totally unbelievable and unexpected!

My sister was a big fan of him and always wanted someone like him as my life partner. But bad timings I am already dating someone so no little bit chance also. I should totally stay away from him. I used to find him intimidating somehow and didn't want him to mess my thoughts. 

 

Dating in July

I am taking a break from dating. It is so so tiring. I want someone like the fictional character Rafael in my life. I don't think that I would like someone like the fictional character Micheal. I mean my brain does think a character like Micheal is the right one. But then I find those people to be boring and then get attracted to someone like Rafael in the series.

Hey god! It's August and still, I am not able to find THe One guy who is right for me!! Please send someone like Rafael in my life even though I think I need Micheal please go against me and grant me my wish :)

 

Updates...

I have never dated so many people like I have dated this year! I met actually three guys this year and didn't actually like much. I did like the idea of someone but in reality I didn't like that much anyone.

Don't remind me of the RJ that is the only thing which I keep reminding me that I may not like him but kind of the idea of him being a great person. Somehow my parents know that I have a kind of soft corner for him but  that's it whenever I have completely forgotten the slightest  mention of him makes me overthink about it. 

The thing which won't work out is that I get along with the folks from Pune and people who know Marathi and my past dating history tells that somehow things don't work out for me with the Virgio guys. So overall dating RJ is totally bad idea and it will screw things with our families. So best bet never to date RJ and just keep the nice image or idea of him in my head. It's best not to date him!

No one should know your deepest secrets sometimes even my sister or my parents. I feel my mom had told this to my aunt and so my aunt is like ask her to accept my fb request because my aunt has added him. They seriously think that I am so despo? I am not, I like him as an idea and it doesn't matter to me if I actually meet him or not. I have realized that dating him is not a good idea for sure and I have seen many signs which surely tell that its not a good idea.

Now I think I didnt actually like Shrirang too just the idea but I got so deep into that idea that I had blindfolded myself from seeing the reality. And reality says that it would be wrong for you to compromise I should also think myself as a individual. And the wisest decision is to date someone from Boston or max NYC. So currently I am dating someone from NYC, seems to be wise guy. He is planning to come to meet me this month which is good considering that I had just started dating him.

I was planning to attend speed dating event in Boston. Now I don't mind even dating American guy. I am kind of totally done with all the Indian guys. Might be an experience will be kind of out of my comfort zone but this is like you have to do it or else you might miss out on the nice guy out there that thing! Before I actually give up on my plan to marry anyone and just focus on my life ahead.

I think I should get my own home! Atleast I can do that before I turn 30. I would be happy that at least i have bought my own house and car though it won't be expensive but having something of your own would be refreshing for some time atleast. 

My first official breakup with the guy whom I dated for 10 months

I finally officially broke up with Shrirang. I thought I would be depressed but instead happy and relaxed. God did show me the path I guess. My prayers were answered. I was anxious, lost and depressed initially as there decision was hanging. I was looking for yes or no answer. But they need more time and I think if you like someone you don't take time its either you like or you don't. I mean I dated for 10 months and I need some closure. But I guess everything would be fine. My sister was right I was following rule book and was adjusting myself to get accepted which I don't need to. Finally I am free from all bandheshein and happy to live my life. Relationship should be beautiful and treasured they shouldn't be roller coater ride and it should happen with flow. I thought we had some future but its ok shit happens we should learn to live.

"No matter what I go through, he might be having fun, and I am dying everyday" so further steps to mend my broken heart."

1. Learn to let go. Who are destined to be in your life will stay. And those who won't will go eventually one day

2. Friends. They will help you moving on from things that are pulling you backwards 

3. Get that: Human life is full of struggles and experiences. It will be tough, it will always be tough. Learn to live through it. Life will never be easy. You need to be strong to take blows that life offers you frequently

4. Make Big Goals: The bigger the goal is, the more bigger your perspective be. And eventually it will help you to move towards positive things

5. Try getting new hobby

6. Focus on getting rich. Start watching motivational videos on YouTube. It helps a lot. You think in a better direction, get focused towards the things that genuinely matter

7. Success is best positive thing anyone can ever have in their life. Start thinking about the times when you would be successful and how good life would be. Put in the hard-work and things would change.

8. Learn to forgive but do not forget. Forgiveness will help you move on. Do not forget, as it will help you having a good experience to achieve move in your life

Someone answered this on Quora:

"First of all he is not a man, because he is just showing what he wants to and hiding the rest which he can't control. Trust me there is nothing which a man can't handle. And if you love someone than commitment is pretty obvious, I don't get it why people can't give commitment even when they say they love.

Actually love has become very vague these days. Isn't it strange that you love someone badly but you don't wanna marry her/him. How pity this is. And what type of love is it when you yourself are not willing to spend your life with your love, you are giving up before the actual arrival of the hurdles which is actually lame.

Trust me this is not a quality inherited by a real man. Do make a check whether he actually does or he just pretends it so well that it is difficult to catch him. Because if he does he will do anything to have you, rather an excuse to loose you."

Notes:

- God saved me from marrying into this weird family

- I want the future husband be strong and confident to take the decision and standup for him

- I want the husband such that I am proud of him

What was wrong in him?

- He didn't stood up for me

He should have told that yes this is the girl I want to marry. I deserved this answer yes I broke it in rush but I deserved a better guy in the life and not life him. I deserved better I am worth an effort.

But I don't regret being friends with him. I mean he is good to be friend but not to be an husband. He was all respectful well-mannered and amiable but not courageous to fight for me or take any decision. 

Let go of things

I know its difficult but I have to let go of things. But I think its for better I think. Because I am still me and I have to start fresh. But my sister told me na that I really needed some real heartbreak because that's what I want to experience. I don't regret whatever time I had dated him. But life is about moving ahead.  I mean I became better person, little intelligent and want to chase my dreams. One mistake I did was weaving the dreams of future me being married which should I have replaced with me being an entrepreneur. Yeah but then how could I probably I had the heartbreak then. Anyway everything have pros and cons. Might be I should just ignore the cons and just focus on pros.

From tomorrow its the fresh start again back to square again! 

Recently I read an article of manifestation. I want to be in an relationship of my dreams so best I think I should envision one. One thing I am not sure is my relationship. My sister thinks that my thoughts move in extremists. 

Sometimes I just wonder what life I would had if I had dated RJ. I think Shrirang is way too workaholic and will I be happy in near future? I want someone who can balance life and work. And for me someone has time. Work is passion but all the relations are the base for survival. I know time is precious but sometimes in one corner of my mind it just feels like I should atleast meet RJ. From many years I had dreamt of RJ so why not just meet him once atleast?

Our families would have been happy and me too. Little bit my father would had issues with RJ's family. But I have trust on RJ without meeting him or never knowing him. 

I had to  work hard too forget Shrirang and stop weaving dreams else it could have hurt me in long term. It was anyway disturbing me because he was not giving commitment. And I don't like who would take me for granted it better to move ahead than be foolish to wait and get dumped. I don't regret dating him. And it has been my best 6 months. 

Should I try manifesting RJ in my life? Does he have a girlfriend? :( I somehow think he is perfect fit for me. Relationships why are they tough? I just want simple things in my life. Most important is honesty, respect and TIME. 

Vishal was nice guy and also his parents were nice. But the time when I was dating him I still used to think about RJ so didn't give time in dating. And somewhat we didn't had that bonding.

But dating Shrirang was different. I actually gave my 100% to the relationship. But if it didn't work then definitely it was not meant to be. At some point  I even deleted all RJs memories to give my best to this relationship. But then it started fading out. And now I wonder again where am I? And what I am doing? I should get go and search for the right person rather than just waiting on fate to decide. It doesn't mean that I don't like him more. It just that I don't like the feeling of being taken for granted. Might be I am just dreamer who dreams of finding someone right for me.

Dating RJ would have been easy as we would be on similar pages of life struggling, exploring in career. So both trying to save money on our dream house. Off course I don't imagine to buy big house a small condo is doable. I just like creating the small world. Both motivating each other in career and travelling together. But main conflict would have been dealing with both of the families. My parents definitely hated his parents and off course I would had language barrier to talk to his parents. His mom would definitely would have hated me. I don't know to speak Kannada na. In childhood only they used to say why don't I learn the language and all. 

With Shrirang we both are at different pages of our life and we want different things I am still struggling and learning in my career. I try to save money just for my dream small house. I like to save money by cooking at home rather than going out. I do spend money on shopping things for house or pretty dresses. But I am trying minimalism nowadays which hope so I would be able to achieve. I doubt if our families would go along or not. Both are different kind of peoples our cultures are not so similar and also the relatives.

Hope I would find a way out and find what I actually want in coming days.