I knew when I missed my flight and almost lost my passport something is going to happen in Florida. I had mentally prepared to remain sane on the trip. Because I knew 4 days with my friends would be difficult and I was so true. My friends are keen on getting married and they had started looking from almost 2- 3 years back but couldn't find any right guy. And I had the idea that on this trip I was going to listen to there stories and how asshole the guys are. But didn't knew that they would get behind me as well. They found it unbelievable that I still haven't dated anyone. I mean its fine right? I couldn't find any sensible guy to actually date. But it was also true that even then I couldn't have dated anyone because it would feel cheating on parents and its better than being guilty. Looking back I had a crush on two guys one in my school days and one in my grad. But I don't think it was deep crush that what my friends and sis say. So these girls tried to set me up with there friends and threatened me to create a profile on dating site. Somehow I convinced them that I would at least make some effort till this December.
My family feels that our community is great so they always felt that I would marry someone within the community. But they don't know that the generation is changed and most are in relationships. So, in short, they couldn't find anyone in our community who is not committed. So they had created my profile on matrimony site a month back. Just a day before Florida vacation my mom was forced to look at the matrimony profile she had created and I was in no mood to spoil my vacation so just told that will look after returning from vacation.
So I told my friends that let me look at matrimony site for 3 months and if I couldn't find anyone then I would try dating sites. I was sure that I wouldn't, so were my friends. So my cruel plus smart friends sat down and updated my matrimony profile. My parents had created matrimony profile which had my worst photo (worst because it experimental makeup app photo..this is another story). And the information was like a typical boring person. So we changed everything. But the photos which I uploaded were of my choice...just simple photos. I was sure no one would send the request looking at my pics. But I didn't know what happened that night that we started sending a request to the guys. I shouldn't have listened to my friends. The feminist in me would have never sent any request if I was not with them for sure. I think we almost sent 20 requests. My parents had accepted 3 guys request which they didn't tell me ..but anyway I didn't like them. So the 20 guys we sent the request were purely on their surname. I definitely knew that I won't marry someone without my parent's approval and they are interested within the caste or the caste similar to us. Our community is so small that we couldn't find it in the dropbox so they had put some caste which is similar. So that's why the surname selection because I assumed that these guys might be of the same caste and they couldn't find the caste in Dropbox so just choose the one I had chosen.
For a week I was in depression with no reason..my friends had put some much into me that I need to date someone. So Friday when one of my colleague cum friend had just called for games I knew it would be a drink and pizza party because they are lazy ones to make some food. I don't drink so it was coke for me. But all were drunk so I was comfortable sharing my depressed questions and hear back the opinions on my questions. They are on a different level of thoughts they were like don't go for matrimony sites all are anyway assholes just create a profile on dating sites..which of course I was uncomfortable. I was cursing myself that why the hell did I really sent a request and thought to really deactivate all the accounts which my parents had created. But in the middle of our discussion, I
got a message from one guy whom I had sent the request.
He messaged me randomly but i didn't want to reply on Friday because I was playing with my friends and didn't want to divert from that. So I messaged him late night then we did chat on sat but with no where questions. Next day when I had called Devika for some other stuff but ended telling her about this guy. To which she suggested to instead call than chat as it will waste your time. So I later pinged him to have a call so much dared... Anyway so on Sunday I had called but before that, I had called Devika to ask her the list of question one should ask so that I didn't want to sound a fool.
I liked him. I am feeling restless because he didn't message me yet to tell the decision. My parents knew. Mom is Mom she knows that I liked that guy. I never knew that anyone could affect me so much. She indirectly tells me to forget and move on. My friend told me to message and conclude. But ego comes into the picture I can't message. Last week I was into some another zone that I dared to call. But today I don't have guts to message him. Can't the guy message me? Ok, I understand he is introvert but that doesn't mean that he can't message. But I don't think so he is introvert though.
Finally, my sister is right I assume I like boring people but actually, it is not true I like someone who loves themselves first and are different but it's my assumption that I like normal ones. So now I think I was foolish to actually think about that guy. He was not worthy of my time. But in the first person's case, I found him to be good but that doesn't mean that you like him. Anyway, as my friends say take it as experience. And you need to feel hurt. But do I really? But one thing changed is my perspective.
In between all these, my parents bought one more proposal and that was from one of the relatives of my aunt. I was not keen I needed some break from all these and focus on my dream. But what can be done in front of your parents? It's not that my parents are not supportive, they understand me well they did ask me first but I knew how happy my father was so didn't want to disappoint him. But I know it won't work out anyway because I didn't like the attitude.
One thing is clear that I won't marry anyone just because of caste. If they can't equally respect just because I am girl then go to hell. I am smart, independent and knows to survive and take my own decisions. I am not anyone who gets easily impressed then why should I compromise just for caste? I shouldn't because we just can't compromise on the things which make me take away my identity. I love myself and can't do something just because my parents will feel happy. I gave them chance though but if they can't see the reality then I would be fool to be blind and follow as they say. Sometimes even parents are wrong and we need to speak for ourselves.
Anyway, I am back to the normal though I had felt little bit hurt initially but now I think I can handle hurt well though time to reconcile was high initially but eventually it will decrease. But one thing which keeps me sane is my purpose of life. I know that I need to tackle this problem of making myself strong but its secondary now. First focus on my dream. Yesterday I had dream of receiving the award in my favorite red dress and sister wearing blue. And today I had the dream of Sierra she was looking so cute with that smile.
From many days I am craving for spontaneous vacation. Kind of just grab a backpack and go on vacation for two days just without planning. Hope I can get the car and drive to far away places. But anyway I can still go on vacation with taketours or tour4fun.
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