Sometimes in late August

I still think of Rohit sometimes. He is different so only I like him but is it love? Nope. Might be it is just crush and special because he was first crush. Or might be it is just an admiration. I don't love anyone but yeah I can't live without one thing that is my sister. She is my breath I feel that I am not alone in this world if I talk to her. Might be we are the soulmates because she knows things without even saying something. I know asking her to move here is selfish on my part. I know my parents need her in India.

I don't want to marry early. I do have trust issues. I liked his parents; the guy whom my parents choose but I don't agree his parents word that the guy is shy and I should be the one to ping him first. Seriously? If his parents can talk to me then what's the problem of their son I don't understand. I think that if the guy is interested he should ping not me else I don't want to fall in any relation which is forceful and off course not to waste my time. With all this marriage market stuff I am definitely suggesting my sister to not go for arrange marriage because its waste and find someone who is worth enough. For me I haven't met the right match and I don't believe in fixing arrange marriage. The whole scenario looks like job interview with all sorts of classification filters put on. I mean thinking back to like someone you don't actually apply filters you just like someone.  I liked Rohit from my school days though everyone used to hate him. I don't know why I always have crush on the guys, usually most of the people around hate. What I love is that they are themselves, truthful and not trying to please anyone. People follow them not the other way round. Might be because somewhere deep down I am like that. 

I can't believe so much happened in this month. I had minor accident so got hold on my zipcar account. Then finally I got my EAD card but still I am postponing to give my learners test. Tomorrow anyhow I need to give me learners at least so that in September I can take lessons and till October I am ready to drive on road. I have cancelled all my vacations in later September and October. My last vacation would be September long weekend. Not sure if I would got to New Oreleans or not it depends on my mood though. Other than that my whale watching tour cancelled when I almost reached Portland due to fog on the same day my imagination got shattered and had to look for different motivation on the same day shower drainage was not working and water was leaking. So we have to literally throw water from tub every ten minutes. Then had some issue with my iphone which was one another headache. Ohh god so much happened in this month. Now I don't want any new issue for sometime I want to live the life of low profile with no problems but with September coming up I know God wont like me being problem less. But even I don't like boring life something interesting, something thrilling though I am scared initially but at that time it feels worth the chance. Currently I am excited of my upcoming vacation might be if I can fit some time I should give a shot to create the Ganapati Murthi.

My friends are sending messages of another level. I can't believe that they are thinking that I am depressed or they are depressed or trying to make me depressed to divert from my purpose.

Some of the messages:
"Being married after 30 is still beautiful"
"Starting a family after 35 is still possible" 

"Buying a house after 40 is still boss move"
"Don't let people rush you with their timeliness"
"Being with no one is better than being with the wrong one. Sometimes, those who fly solo have the strongest wings "

My new motivation is work with Robert Love. I am reading his books now days. Hope to get to work along with him next year.

Everything is in your head. I have achieved all through my imagination my belief sometimes I started living in reality which lead me to depression. But I think my way was right, because the things people told they were my imagination, were actually my dreams. Never stop dreaming. They make you alive they are your goal setter. If you have some dream, purpose everything will start falling into places.

Finding yourself

So far life has been great, kind of falling on track. Sometimes to know what you actually want you should take the vacation for your sanity. I understood that vacation is not just hanging out with friends or bunch of folks or family but finding yourself. I did my first solo trip to Vermont. It was funny that how i planned it out at last moment. But it is rightly said that when something doesn't workout you dare to do something which you haven't thought of. I had planned for Smoky Mountains, Tennessee but due to some reasons we had to cancel it out at the last moment. So Vermont happened!

Next thing I am planning is to buy a car and to practice driving I am literally blackmailing my roommate of moving out after the year. After 5 sessions with my friends I am pretty confident to drive on road but on safer side I need to take one session with professional class. But again I need learner licence and for learner I need a valid visa which is possible on 1st October which will be much of delay. I can still drive on my Indian license but learner's is needed to get to drive on highway which I would definitely need to drive to my new office. I could still do car pooling with my friend but in winters its best to be independent. But anyway I did plan to move to Bay area. Though climate is one of the aspect but there is another important reason.  I need car for six - eight month because my office is moving and I don't want to break lease and move to expensive place rather buying cheap car is anytime useful. And off course its easy to practice in Massachusetts before moving to over crowded California. Now days, I am dreaming about my red car and places I would travel with my baby car.

My mom is still dreaming of getting me married in December which is highly unlikely. I am instead of planning of vacation with family this December. My friends are still dating either from matrimony sites or from dating apps. I am happy in my own world and I understood that I am not marriage material. And I can't forcefully like someone and I believe in my intuition though many feel its imagination than reality. Might be to get away I could ask my mom to look for the guy with Taurus zodiac sign. Few days back I had random discussion with my friends on zodiac signs and later I was curious to read about. Though I don't believe in all these zodiac signs, but still if they were at least 1% true to reflect the characteristic of the person then I think its Taurus zodiac. But anyway me and my sister are of same zodiac but we two are different individuals with different thoughts altogether.

It started with Florida

I knew when I missed my flight and almost lost my passport something is going to happen in Florida. I had mentally prepared to remain sane on the trip. Because I knew 4 days with my friends would be difficult and I was so true. My friends are keen on getting married and they had started looking from almost 2- 3 years back but couldn't find any right guy. And I had the idea that on this trip I was going to listen to there stories and how asshole the guys are. But didn't knew that they would get behind me as well. They found it unbelievable that I still haven't dated anyone. I mean its fine right? I couldn't find any sensible guy to actually date. But it was also true that even then I couldn't have dated anyone because it would feel cheating on parents and its better than being guilty. Looking back I had a crush on two guys one in my school days and one in my grad. But I don't think it was deep crush that what my friends and sis say.  So these girls tried to set me up with there friends and threatened me to create a profile on dating site. Somehow I convinced them that I would at least make some effort till this December.

My family feels that our community is great so they always felt that I would marry someone within the community. But they don't know that the generation is changed and most are in relationships. So, in short, they couldn't find anyone in our community who is not committed. So they had created my profile on matrimony site a month back. Just a day before Florida vacation my mom was forced to look at the matrimony profile she had created and I was in no mood to spoil my vacation so just told that will look after returning from vacation.

So I told my friends that let me look at matrimony site for 3 months and if I couldn't find anyone then I would try dating sites. I was sure that I wouldn't, so were my friends. So my cruel plus smart friends sat down and updated my matrimony profile. My parents had created matrimony profile which had my worst photo (worst because it experimental makeup app photo..this is another story). And the information was like a typical boring person. So we changed everything. But the photos which I uploaded were of my choice...just simple photos. I was sure no one would send the request looking at my pics. But I didn't know what happened that night that we started sending a request to the guys. I shouldn't have listened to my friends.  The feminist in me would have never sent any request if I was not with them for sure. I think we almost sent 20 requests. My parents had accepted 3 guys request which they didn't tell me ..but anyway I didn't like them. So the 20 guys we sent the request were purely on their surname. I definitely knew that I won't marry someone without my parent's approval and they are interested within the caste or the caste similar to us. Our community is so small that we couldn't find it in the dropbox so they had put some caste which is similar. So that's why the surname selection because I assumed that these guys might be of the same caste and they couldn't find the caste in Dropbox so just choose the one I had chosen.

For a week I was in depression with no reason..my friends had put some much into me that I need to date someone. So Friday when one of my colleague cum friend had just called for games I knew it would be a drink and pizza party because they are lazy ones to make some food. I don't drink so it was coke for me. But all were drunk so I was comfortable sharing my depressed questions and hear back the opinions on my questions. They are on a different level of thoughts they were like don't go for matrimony sites all are anyway assholes just create a profile on dating sites..which of course I was uncomfortable. I was cursing myself that why the hell did I really sent a request and thought to really deactivate all the accounts which my parents had created. But in the middle of our discussion, I

got a message from one guy whom I had sent the request.

He messaged me randomly but i didn't want to reply on Friday because I was playing with my friends and didn't want to divert from that. So I messaged him late night then we did chat on sat but with no where questions. Next day when I had called Devika for some other stuff but ended telling her about this guy. To which she suggested to instead call than chat as it will waste your time. So I later pinged him to have a call so much dared... Anyway so on Sunday I had called but before that, I had called Devika to ask her the list of question one should ask so that I didn't want to sound a fool.

I liked him. I am feeling restless because he didn't message me yet to tell the decision. My parents knew. Mom is Mom she knows that I liked that guy. I never knew that anyone could affect me so much. She indirectly tells me to forget and move on. My friend told me to message and conclude. But ego comes into the picture I can't message. Last week I was into some another zone that I dared to call. But today I don't have guts to message him. Can't the guy message me? Ok, I understand he is introvert but that doesn't mean that he can't message. But I don't think so he is introvert though.

Finally, my sister is right I assume I like boring people but actually, it is not true I like someone who loves themselves first and are different but it's my assumption that I like normal ones. So now I think I was foolish to actually think about that guy. He was not worthy of my time. But in the first person's case, I found him to be good but that doesn't mean that you like him. Anyway, as my friends say take it as experience. And you need to feel hurt. But do I really? But one thing changed is my perspective.

In between all these, my parents bought one more proposal and that was from one of the relatives of my aunt. I was not keen I needed some break from all these and focus on my dream. But what can be done in front of your parents? It's not that my parents are not supportive, they understand me well they did ask me first but I knew how happy my father was so didn't want to disappoint him. But I know it won't work out anyway because I didn't like the attitude.

One thing is clear that I won't marry anyone just because of caste. If they can't equally respect just because I am girl then go to hell. I am smart, independent and knows to survive and take my own decisions. I am not anyone who gets easily impressed then why should I compromise just for caste? I shouldn't because we just can't compromise on the things which make me take away my identity. I love myself and can't do something just because my parents will feel happy. I gave them chance though but if they can't see the reality then I would be fool to be blind and follow as they say. Sometimes even parents are wrong and we need to speak for ourselves.

Anyway, I am back to the normal though I had felt little bit hurt initially but now I think I can handle hurt well though time to reconcile was high initially but eventually it will decrease. But one thing which keeps me sane is my purpose of life. I know that I need to tackle this problem of making myself strong but its secondary now. First focus on my dream. Yesterday I had dream of  receiving the award in my favorite red dress and sister wearing blue. And today I had the dream of Sierra she was looking so cute with that smile.

From many days I am craving for spontaneous vacation. Kind of just grab a backpack and go on vacation for two days just without planning. Hope I can get the car and drive to far away places. But anyway I can still go on vacation with taketours or tour4fun.

On the day!

Yesterday it had been a bad day..It didn't hit me yet..but I knew that feeling will come along when I would reach home. She longed to see me. But it's my bad fate that I didn't get to see her. But I can't be selfish to prolong her pain. The reason of death I strongly feel to be blood poison due to bed sores. I think it had been stage 4 - bed sores. She needed proper medical care. But ya it wouldn't have saved her for long. Because it was a neural disorder where very parts were becoming numb each day.
And it would have eventually killed her. But my sister was the right person should be at least happy while dying. The feeling of being loved was missing her life. Her support was Aai.
Whenever my sister used to call me she used to tell me about her deteriorating health. She used to crave to meet me and my sister. Because we used to take her to roam around, bring whatever food she likes to eat and also talk on random topics. But now everyone was praying when she would die. This type of death no one should get. Dying every minute is bad.

But I was helpless I couldn't do anything except to get all the things which she needed. I hate doctors because they couldn't identify her disease properly. Everyone just told its neural disorder but couldn't classify further. Do they consider the younger generation stupid or illiterate? We do know that neural disorder is a vague term. The neural disorder could be classified as ALS, post-polio syndrome..Mom used to do whatever she can. But that's not the proper care. Only parents can care about their children selflessly. If Aai was well she could have taken care of her properly.

I was excited to go to India after so much time. But now I am going on the wrong time. The house where we used to spend our holidays would be so different with no loved ones. I literally dumped all my things today in my baggage. Yesterday I just couldn't do anything. Today my flatmate's mom helped to pack some stuff so it became quicker. I hate waiting for flight doing nothing. In the hurry, I forgot to pack my books which I had borrowed from the library. Thank God I carried my laptop..so that I can add one new post! The good thing is they allowed my food, I thought they wouldn't allow my khichdi which had more water but glad they just did extra scanning and allowed. Flight food we couldn't trust. Last time I was lucky that I had carried food because veg food was over. And my friend who had eaten flight pasta,  puked after reaching home. Why don't these people provide panini or sandwich? Food which they provide - biscuit, chips are all tasteless. In pasta, they don't add sauces which could have at least made it edible by adding them. Cold uncooked pasta with raw veggies no sauce.

My flight was good, I had especially paid extra amount to book window seat so I was fresh enough to have morning walk even though I had reached home at 3 in the morning.  I was worried about the customs after reaching because I was carrying 4 phones and didn't want to pay extra bucks for customs. But they didn't check much so I was able to clear the queue. I was happy that everything went fine but they say na that u shouldn't pray earlier because next moment my one of the bag fell from the trolley as I was coming down from the sloppy way. Though I was inside the airport my sis and father told that they identified me easily due to this incident. I mean I am not so prone to accidents its the quality of my sis but bad day now she has got one point to make fun of. It was not end though I thought I lost my phone at airport washroom so spent again time searching.. At that time I was sure that my father would give me a whole lot of lecture but he didn't say much so was fine.  But problems didn't end there...My Indian sim got deactivated the day I reached and was I not able to retrieve it because it was from Reliance series. So now I have additional work of updating my new number everywhere. 

Preparation for upcoming Holidays

I just want these days to get over quickly so that I can fly back to my sweet home and sleep on my big comfy bed with a lot of pillows. I miss my family a lot especially my sister, though we talk daily for hours about bullshit stuff. I think my life has become boring need something interesting ..challenging for sure. To make my dull life boring I started with painting, bought colors, brushes, canvas, etc did something which is good to look but for artist u could easily find flaws. We had Rangoli competition in office, and our low power team participated and I was captain. I was sure of winning but we failed even if our Rangoli was better than others due to voting, my fate was bad! Now I have the urge to do embroidery on my denim jacket and jeans. A few weeks back I had craved to have a charm bracelet with a butterfly. I had some design in my mind and I wanted exact kind of butterfly on it. I did find the imagined one butterflies though but still hunting for the string. I think its one of the months where my creativity is on a high scale. Some other day I received an appreciation for my flyer from my colleagues and from my roommate for henna design. But I think my all-time favorite is cooking and walking. Devika is true I am very particular about food. I hate fat rotis, bhakris, rajma,etc. Before cooking I think about the taste of the dish and want the dish in that taste. My Gujarati friend's mom came for a month and she always insists to make Rotis but I always try to avoid it. How to tell her that I like soft small Phulkas and not some thick ones! These are my creative days..after a few days it would be a reading craze or just be workalcoholic or netflix series addict.

From past few days, I have seriously been into walking, exercising, and food conscious. Not because I want to lose weight but don't want to gain weight in India. My mom has already planned about dishes to make and even I can't stay away from my favorite Dal Pakwan, Pav bhaji, Pani Puni, Parathas, etc. So at least from past three days, I am walking about 2 - 4 miles, exercising for 7 mins and for food not definitely having diet food. But just changed a little bit of my food pattern. Included ginger lemon tea three times a day. Shifted my sweet such as cakes and brownies from night to morning breakfast. Added fruit to breakfast. Heavy lunch with rice for lunch. Dinner light & early. Not raw vegetables but tasty chole, moong, matki, palak potato, etc. I don't want to trade-off with the taste buds like my flatmate who survives on tasteless juices and salads.

How the weekend flies I don't even know! So much to shop. It takes time to hunt the thing which I want to carry to India. I just can't go and shop a lot and then done. What I loved in the US are cranberries, brownie mix, Japanese knife, flannel shirts, winter jackets, etc. For mom, I know she loves purses but I still couldn't find the best one in a good range. I still need to buy chocolates but concerned about the luggage allowance, I think I didn't get a good deal of flight. Next year would probably avoid Decembers instead would go on Diwali. And in Christmas holidays would go on the solo adventurous trip, which I had always dreamt of. Before that, I need to track my finances to save and plan an adventurous trip. I miss playing squash and badminton with Swara and Swapnil. I couldn't find here anyone who likes to play. People here like to play boring games like UNO and Plank which I found quite boring. Maybe I should shift near Umass so that I could find sporty people. After returning back from India I am definitely going to join either dance or Marshall arts training. Else I would be bored in winters.

Finally done with the shopping, I think I have shopped a lot for my father..my mom would be jealous for sure! But it's better to shop for father..its weird but if my father is happy then mom is happy..and if my parents are happy then we are happy! My mom would be most happy if I buy things for her side relatives even if we don't buy anything for her.

Today's day was really tiring. I had planned yesterday that I would go on a Bruce Man Free Trail. And I missed my bus by 3 min. So fast forward I had to catch uber because I can't compromise with my plans. I saw lots of Chinese people running and cycling. I can't imagine any Indian actually waking early on Saturday morning especially for the walk. After returning back home I was damn tired and thought to take some nap. But my bad my roommate and her mom had made the mess of the house as they were cleaning, packing their stuff. So the thought of taking nap flew out of the window. I also started my packing for an upcoming trip. I usually start packing max a day before but this was too early for me. My father asked to get two more things which are really difficult to select. One I need to confirm and second I would need my office friend's help. I am tired of shopping now.

Sunday was more tiring than Saturday. On Sunday, I had no major plans. Just want to complete assertion work. So that I would be more relaxed on Tuesdays! And also had to work on elasticsearch proposal. But nowadays nothing goes according to my plan. My friend asked me to join her for premium outlet shopping. So had to tag along with her, which was so tiring. That I almost slept at 8 in the evening and waking up in middle I m updating this post. From past week I am waking up in the middle of the night due to some nightmares. google says waking up early and going on walk helps to have sound sleep. But in my case, it works opposite I guess.  I found RetailMeNot app good for discount coupons my friend almost saved $30-$40.