Little happy Today

I am finally feeling so happy that I drove a rented car on proper streets without instructor to my current office though I had to tag my friend along because I can't drive looking at maps and roads simultaneously. Now I am little confident that I could drive to my new office in Burlington. Though the car is compact (FORD / FIES) its still fine. I know both my professional and personal life sucks. But at least one percent would improve by knowing how to drive. I could do lot of my solo trips being independent. Not that I am dependent on someone but just on public transport. Little more confidence is what I need.   I don't want to fail in my driving test. Its not that I am afraid to fail its just that I can't take chance. I need to get my new car and drive to new office and I don't have any option.

I think even professional life would improve because I could save 2 hours of my daily commute, can have breakfast, could go on trails to boost up my energy level, attend various workshops, I could  at least think of moving near Cambridge. This week I did pretty well in my office work though not view-able results but I am sure in next sprint I will have lot more to showcase. But still not happy with myself because I think I am not best and I am not self-satisfied. There are to many things to do and I end up doing nothing and on top of that the winter has started I m being too lazy to read and solve problems.

Chatting with a stranger

I finally constructed Ganesha Murthi and did Ganesh Pooja. This was one of my wish, I had always thought to do in my house. I would do Ganesha Pooja every year from now. It gives the feeling of happiness and calmness. It seems to be different than boring monotonous life. I know I am different but that's what I love about myself, being trendsetter and thinking out of box.  I think I love myself more than anything.

Finally he pinged me when it was the last day in DC.  It was shock for me because our parents had shared our numbers almost 3 months back. Might be because his mom had tortured him on phone. But I replied late because I had to catch early morning flight to Boston. Though it was long weekend I replied in one liners because I was so tired from the vacation then had to clean the house and construct Ganesh Murthy. Two days later I thought I should take some initiative this time because his parents and now this guy both have taken an initiative and I didn't want to sound rude.

We then started chatting everyday and we both were kind of silently making effort not to end the conversation. It was like discovering or knowing each other slowly. Hardly two three lines every day. People have rightly said that relations grow over time and they can't be built in a moment.
We did talk indirectly on one major topic of job switch. My sister feels that this is not important topic it could be managed later. But he does knows that Amazon and Walmart are the only companies who are there in major cities and we could settle in one place if we planned to go ahead with this relation further. But if asked me now I don't know I am the most pessimistic but when others are pessimistic then I turn to be more optimistic person. But he does not have negative influence atleast till now. Why it always have to happen in opposite way. Whom I thought was good turned out to be asshole and whom I hated turned out to be not bad.

Anyway I have lot many things to do first top priority is to get my driving license at any expense.

....Few days later post

Now I am able to drive well and might be I can buy a new car in first week of October even though my test is scheduled a week later.  My intuitions are always right. I knew that guy was not shy but his parents were telling he was shy and all. The thing is guys they don't call parents as frequently as we do. People just love underestimating me and that's why they don't know me well. I think I would say no because though I could chat but I didn't felt any connection. I believe in intuition and you know sometimes if something is meant to be yours you just get that feeling.  I pinged this guy twice taking an initiative its not that I am really interested. It's because I want to get it over quickly so that I can focus on my dream. Both my and his parents then would stop interrupting my goals. Worst part is keeping hanging anything. His parents are very hopeful in this relation. I don't want to keep anyone hanging. Its not that I don't want to marry at all. I want to marry whom I am really connected to. I need the person who would take time for everything and won't give such bullshit that I am very busy and all. I think no one is busy 24/7 hours and every one has time just one should know to manage the time. Might be I won't get the idol Mr.Perfect whom I have imagined but still I am hopeful. Like I got Cadence where I got like-minded team who hate war rooms loves to work alone at there pace no one is on your head. You commit and get the work done. Life is pure bliss. My sister is right I am looking for flawed person not Mr.Perfect what people generalize them as. My flawed Mr.Right is who believes in him than world who is not overconfident but confident enough to take risk in life and loves himself more than anything. I don't like timid people and also who waste there life instead enjoys life and has right balance. My experience says that I get along well with the most weirdest species born on the world well than normal folks. All girls need someone who would give them space but I need someone who is dominant. Who would challenge me in life. Saying yes in everything I say is not the someone who I really want because I know I have the power to make others follow me.

Sometimes in late August

I still think of Rohit sometimes. He is different so only I like him but is it love? Nope. Might be it is just crush and special because he was first crush. Or might be it is just an admiration. I don't love anyone but yeah I can't live without one thing that is my sister. She is my breath I feel that I am not alone in this world if I talk to her. Might be we are the soulmates because she knows things without even saying something. I know asking her to move here is selfish on my part. I know my parents need her in India.

I don't want to marry early. I do have trust issues. I liked his parents; the guy whom my parents choose but I don't agree his parents word that the guy is shy and I should be the one to ping him first. Seriously? If his parents can talk to me then what's the problem of their son I don't understand. I think that if the guy is interested he should ping not me else I don't want to fall in any relation which is forceful and off course not to waste my time. With all this marriage market stuff I am definitely suggesting my sister to not go for arrange marriage because its waste and find someone who is worth enough. For me I haven't met the right match and I don't believe in fixing arrange marriage. The whole scenario looks like job interview with all sorts of classification filters put on. I mean thinking back to like someone you don't actually apply filters you just like someone.  I liked Rohit from my school days though everyone used to hate him. I don't know why I always have crush on the guys, usually most of the people around hate. What I love is that they are themselves, truthful and not trying to please anyone. People follow them not the other way round. Might be because somewhere deep down I am like that. 

I can't believe so much happened in this month. I had minor accident so got hold on my zipcar account. Then finally I got my EAD card but still I am postponing to give my learners test. Tomorrow anyhow I need to give me learners at least so that in September I can take lessons and till October I am ready to drive on road. I have cancelled all my vacations in later September and October. My last vacation would be September long weekend. Not sure if I would got to New Oreleans or not it depends on my mood though. Other than that my whale watching tour cancelled when I almost reached Portland due to fog on the same day my imagination got shattered and had to look for different motivation on the same day shower drainage was not working and water was leaking. So we have to literally throw water from tub every ten minutes. Then had some issue with my iphone which was one another headache. Ohh god so much happened in this month. Now I don't want any new issue for sometime I want to live the life of low profile with no problems but with September coming up I know God wont like me being problem less. But even I don't like boring life something interesting, something thrilling though I am scared initially but at that time it feels worth the chance. Currently I am excited of my upcoming vacation might be if I can fit some time I should give a shot to create the Ganapati Murthi.

My friends are sending messages of another level. I can't believe that they are thinking that I am depressed or they are depressed or trying to make me depressed to divert from my purpose.

Some of the messages:
"Being married after 30 is still beautiful"
"Starting a family after 35 is still possible" 

"Buying a house after 40 is still boss move"
"Don't let people rush you with their timeliness"
"Being with no one is better than being with the wrong one. Sometimes, those who fly solo have the strongest wings "

My new motivation is work with Robert Love. I am reading his books now days. Hope to get to work along with him next year.

Everything is in your head. I have achieved all through my imagination my belief sometimes I started living in reality which lead me to depression. But I think my way was right, because the things people told they were my imagination, were actually my dreams. Never stop dreaming. They make you alive they are your goal setter. If you have some dream, purpose everything will start falling into places.

Finding yourself

So far life has been great, kind of falling on track. Sometimes to know what you actually want you should take the vacation for your sanity. I understood that vacation is not just hanging out with friends or bunch of folks or family but finding yourself. I did my first solo trip to Vermont. It was funny that how i planned it out at last moment. But it is rightly said that when something doesn't workout you dare to do something which you haven't thought of. I had planned for Smoky Mountains, Tennessee but due to some reasons we had to cancel it out at the last moment. So Vermont happened!

Next thing I am planning is to buy a car and to practice driving I am literally blackmailing my roommate of moving out after the year. After 5 sessions with my friends I am pretty confident to drive on road but on safer side I need to take one session with professional class. But again I need learner licence and for learner I need a valid visa which is possible on 1st October which will be much of delay. I can still drive on my Indian license but learner's is needed to get to drive on highway which I would definitely need to drive to my new office. I could still do car pooling with my friend but in winters its best to be independent. But anyway I did plan to move to Bay area. Though climate is one of the aspect but there is another important reason.  I need car for six - eight month because my office is moving and I don't want to break lease and move to expensive place rather buying cheap car is anytime useful. And off course its easy to practice in Massachusetts before moving to over crowded California. Now days, I am dreaming about my red car and places I would travel with my baby car.

My mom is still dreaming of getting me married in December which is highly unlikely. I am instead of planning of vacation with family this December. My friends are still dating either from matrimony sites or from dating apps. I am happy in my own world and I understood that I am not marriage material. And I can't forcefully like someone and I believe in my intuition though many feel its imagination than reality. Might be to get away I could ask my mom to look for the guy with Taurus zodiac sign. Few days back I had random discussion with my friends on zodiac signs and later I was curious to read about. Though I don't believe in all these zodiac signs, but still if they were at least 1% true to reflect the characteristic of the person then I think its Taurus zodiac. But anyway me and my sister are of same zodiac but we two are different individuals with different thoughts altogether.

It started with Florida

I knew when I missed my flight and almost lost my passport something is going to happen in Florida. I had mentally prepared to remain sane on the trip. Because I knew 4 days with my friends would be difficult and I was so true. My friends are keen on getting married and they had started looking from almost 2- 3 years back but couldn't find any right guy. And I had the idea that on this trip I was going to listen to there stories and how asshole the guys are. But didn't knew that they would get behind me as well. They found it unbelievable that I still haven't dated anyone. I mean its fine right? I couldn't find any sensible guy to actually date. But it was also true that even then I couldn't have dated anyone because it would feel cheating on parents and its better than being guilty. Looking back I had a crush on two guys one in my school days and one in my grad. But I don't think it was deep crush that what my friends and sis say.  So these girls tried to set me up with there friends and threatened me to create a profile on dating site. Somehow I convinced them that I would at least make some effort till this December.

My family feels that our community is great so they always felt that I would marry someone within the community. But they don't know that the generation is changed and most are in relationships. So, in short, they couldn't find anyone in our community who is not committed. So they had created my profile on matrimony site a month back. Just a day before Florida vacation my mom was forced to look at the matrimony profile she had created and I was in no mood to spoil my vacation so just told that will look after returning from vacation.

So I told my friends that let me look at matrimony site for 3 months and if I couldn't find anyone then I would try dating sites. I was sure that I wouldn't, so were my friends. So my cruel plus smart friends sat down and updated my matrimony profile. My parents had created matrimony profile which had my worst photo (worst because it experimental makeup app photo..this is another story). And the information was like a typical boring person. So we changed everything. But the photos which I uploaded were of my choice...just simple photos. I was sure no one would send the request looking at my pics. But I didn't know what happened that night that we started sending a request to the guys. I shouldn't have listened to my friends.  The feminist in me would have never sent any request if I was not with them for sure. I think we almost sent 20 requests. My parents had accepted 3 guys request which they didn't tell me ..but anyway I didn't like them. So the 20 guys we sent the request were purely on their surname. I definitely knew that I won't marry someone without my parent's approval and they are interested within the caste or the caste similar to us. Our community is so small that we couldn't find it in the dropbox so they had put some caste which is similar. So that's why the surname selection because I assumed that these guys might be of the same caste and they couldn't find the caste in Dropbox so just choose the one I had chosen.

For a week I was in depression with no reason..my friends had put some much into me that I need to date someone. So Friday when one of my colleague cum friend had just called for games I knew it would be a drink and pizza party because they are lazy ones to make some food. I don't drink so it was coke for me. But all were drunk so I was comfortable sharing my depressed questions and hear back the opinions on my questions. They are on a different level of thoughts they were like don't go for matrimony sites all are anyway assholes just create a profile on dating sites..which of course I was uncomfortable. I was cursing myself that why the hell did I really sent a request and thought to really deactivate all the accounts which my parents had created. But in the middle of our discussion, I

got a message from one guy whom I had sent the request.

He messaged me randomly but i didn't want to reply on Friday because I was playing with my friends and didn't want to divert from that. So I messaged him late night then we did chat on sat but with no where questions. Next day when I had called Devika for some other stuff but ended telling her about this guy. To which she suggested to instead call than chat as it will waste your time. So I later pinged him to have a call so much dared... Anyway so on Sunday I had called but before that, I had called Devika to ask her the list of question one should ask so that I didn't want to sound a fool.

I liked him. I am feeling restless because he didn't message me yet to tell the decision. My parents knew. Mom is Mom she knows that I liked that guy. I never knew that anyone could affect me so much. She indirectly tells me to forget and move on. My friend told me to message and conclude. But ego comes into the picture I can't message. Last week I was into some another zone that I dared to call. But today I don't have guts to message him. Can't the guy message me? Ok, I understand he is introvert but that doesn't mean that he can't message. But I don't think so he is introvert though.

Finally, my sister is right I assume I like boring people but actually, it is not true I like someone who loves themselves first and are different but it's my assumption that I like normal ones. So now I think I was foolish to actually think about that guy. He was not worthy of my time. But in the first person's case, I found him to be good but that doesn't mean that you like him. Anyway, as my friends say take it as experience. And you need to feel hurt. But do I really? But one thing changed is my perspective.

In between all these, my parents bought one more proposal and that was from one of the relatives of my aunt. I was not keen I needed some break from all these and focus on my dream. But what can be done in front of your parents? It's not that my parents are not supportive, they understand me well they did ask me first but I knew how happy my father was so didn't want to disappoint him. But I know it won't work out anyway because I didn't like the attitude.

One thing is clear that I won't marry anyone just because of caste. If they can't equally respect just because I am girl then go to hell. I am smart, independent and knows to survive and take my own decisions. I am not anyone who gets easily impressed then why should I compromise just for caste? I shouldn't because we just can't compromise on the things which make me take away my identity. I love myself and can't do something just because my parents will feel happy. I gave them chance though but if they can't see the reality then I would be fool to be blind and follow as they say. Sometimes even parents are wrong and we need to speak for ourselves.

Anyway, I am back to the normal though I had felt little bit hurt initially but now I think I can handle hurt well though time to reconcile was high initially but eventually it will decrease. But one thing which keeps me sane is my purpose of life. I know that I need to tackle this problem of making myself strong but its secondary now. First focus on my dream. Yesterday I had dream of  receiving the award in my favorite red dress and sister wearing blue. And today I had the dream of Sierra she was looking so cute with that smile.

From many days I am craving for spontaneous vacation. Kind of just grab a backpack and go on vacation for two days just without planning. Hope I can get the car and drive to far away places. But anyway I can still go on vacation with taketours or tour4fun.