Let go of things

I know its difficult but I have to let go of things. But I think its for better I think. Because I am still me and I have to start fresh. But my sister told me na that I really needed some real heartbreak because that's what I want to experience. I don't regret whatever time I had dated him. But life is about moving ahead.  I mean I became better person, little intelligent and want to chase my dreams. One mistake I did was weaving the dreams of future me being married which should I have replaced with me being an entrepreneur. Yeah but then how could I probably I had the heartbreak then. Anyway everything have pros and cons. Might be I should just ignore the cons and just focus on pros.

From tomorrow its the fresh start again back to square again! 

Recently I read an article of manifestation. I want to be in an relationship of my dreams so best I think I should envision one. One thing I am not sure is my relationship. My sister thinks that my thoughts move in extremists. 

Sometimes I just wonder what life I would had if I had dated RJ. I think Shrirang is way too workaholic and will I be happy in near future? I want someone who can balance life and work. And for me someone has time. Work is passion but all the relations are the base for survival. I know time is precious but sometimes in one corner of my mind it just feels like I should atleast meet RJ. From many years I had dreamt of RJ so why not just meet him once atleast?

Our families would have been happy and me too. Little bit my father would had issues with RJ's family. But I have trust on RJ without meeting him or never knowing him. 

I had to  work hard too forget Shrirang and stop weaving dreams else it could have hurt me in long term. It was anyway disturbing me because he was not giving commitment. And I don't like who would take me for granted it better to move ahead than be foolish to wait and get dumped. I don't regret dating him. And it has been my best 6 months. 

Should I try manifesting RJ in my life? Does he have a girlfriend? :( I somehow think he is perfect fit for me. Relationships why are they tough? I just want simple things in my life. Most important is honesty, respect and TIME. 

Vishal was nice guy and also his parents were nice. But the time when I was dating him I still used to think about RJ so didn't give time in dating. And somewhat we didn't had that bonding.

But dating Shrirang was different. I actually gave my 100% to the relationship. But if it didn't work then definitely it was not meant to be. At some point  I even deleted all RJs memories to give my best to this relationship. But then it started fading out. And now I wonder again where am I? And what I am doing? I should get go and search for the right person rather than just waiting on fate to decide. It doesn't mean that I don't like him more. It just that I don't like the feeling of being taken for granted. Might be I am just dreamer who dreams of finding someone right for me.

Dating RJ would have been easy as we would be on similar pages of life struggling, exploring in career. So both trying to save money on our dream house. Off course I don't imagine to buy big house a small condo is doable. I just like creating the small world. Both motivating each other in career and travelling together. But main conflict would have been dealing with both of the families. My parents definitely hated his parents and off course I would had language barrier to talk to his parents. His mom would definitely would have hated me. I don't know to speak Kannada na. In childhood only they used to say why don't I learn the language and all. 

With Shrirang we both are at different pages of our life and we want different things I am still struggling and learning in my career. I try to save money just for my dream small house. I like to save money by cooking at home rather than going out. I do spend money on shopping things for house or pretty dresses. But I am trying minimalism nowadays which hope so I would be able to achieve. I doubt if our families would go along or not. Both are different kind of peoples our cultures are not so similar and also the relatives.

Hope I would find a way out and find what I actually want in coming days.

Confused me or I am just overthinking

I don't know if I should actually write this post or not. I mean I am confused I sometimes think I like Shrirang but sometimes I think I don't know. I am confused if I actually actually like him or just the idea of him. Hope I am not painting the perfect picture of him in my mind and the reality is completely different.

And sometimes my mind still wanders and starts thinking of RJ. But I am not committed to anyone so its not wrong. I mean sometimes I still think of meeting RJ just to confirm and also to get rid of the pieces of the broken dream which I had built unknowingly.

My friends think that RJ's story is over it but I want to prove myself that I am worthy enough to work in any FAANG companies and I was worthy enough to date him. Might be at that time I did feel actually bad. Now I actually don't care I take an experience meeting people and take motivation from them. Shrirang is actually special because he is the first guy I actually met else I was just talking to people. RJ I don't know him so its all about rosy picture which I crafted in my mind.

I am afraid to get married actually because I want to marry someone if I really love someone not just of sake of marriage or I don't mind waiting. Because I can still buy my own house and decorate and adopt the cute lil girl and go on vacations with her or my sissy. Actually I don't need anyone so why to invite unhappiness. The guy with whom I am not happy and not content I am definitely not going to date or marry for sure. 

But one thing I know for sure my love and marriage wouldn't be dragged for long in the dating and knowing phase for sure. I mean everything in my life it just happens when I least expects the things to work out. I mean if I will meet someone then the things will work out so smoothly and fast that how we would get married even that I won't know. 

But one thing which would actually add some brownie points for any guy if he actually tries to adjust for me rather than just expecting like a typical guy to just expect girls to adjust on her career. But even though we are in 21st century I feel only girls have to make adjustments. I like someone who is different, weird, special in off course in a nice way.

Now that I am looking for switch I am thinking of moving to California. Because I will get lots of option to switch without thinking of moving my house again and roaming all states around. And I can create my own sweet home my space. I don't mind even if its the condo its my dream to have an house of my own.  

My parents think that I should start looking for jobs in Seattle but I don't want to actually atleast till the point I am not committed. Me being single I still think California is the wise choice for now.

One thing I am actually worried is about our profession . Because now his career is at the peak and my career is just beginning. For me its time to enjoy a bit and work but for him it won't be possible. And when its possible for him then my career would be at peak. Not sure if's the good or bad thing. 

Sometimes I just feel like talking to him all the concerns and worries which I have in relationship but then I don't want to tag myself as over analyzer.  What I dream about is having small cute family where there is understanding in the relationship and not just one of them is understanding it should be from both sides, then have cute house and twins :) Small vacations with my family, solo ones and also with friends. Me being famous, renowned as entrepreneur or just some individual who has made an significant impact on the society like Linus Torvalds. I just don't want to have normal boring life something special and interesting in nice way my story should be :)

Anonymous email

Yesterday night I wrote an email especially an "Anonymous email" to RJ telling him that I like him.
Hope it should go into his spam mail but corner of my little heart secretly hopes that he should read it.

This is the mail which I wrote him:

<>

I think I like you. You might not even know me so don't stress out remembering it.

My friends say that its better to tell that person whom you really like than regretting

it so here I am letting you know. Just sending it anonymously because its not

going to work.

. . . . .

. . . . .

<>

The thing is I am talking to many people but I don't feel they are meant to be. For whom I feel I should say it na.

So here i am telling him what i feel about him. Might be it would never be read because i don't even know what's his mail id is. I just randomly dropped an email guessing to be his. 

I think I am taking an efforts to make relationship work but do I really like them? Them are the people whom I am actually talking to or kind of dating. No I don't like them. So I thought why not to take some efforts for the person who is worth and I really like for who he is! Few weeks back I had called him but didn't had guts to actually speak on phone. So what I couldn't say I wrote it. 

I have even deleted the number from my phone and the book, so I won't be tempted to call. Mail would be the last one. I believe that if we want something and if its meant to be then universe will fight against all odds and make it happen. Hope he would join dots and call me back on my office number which I had used to call him few days back or it was never meant to be. And I could move on and meet and talk to the new people with open mind than just regretting that I could have at least made some effort.

Tick list:
- Writing someone a letter telling about my feelings (Done)

I am happy though for telling my feeling to someone in actual to the person I actually liked!
This is one of the things which I haven't shared with my sissy definitely she is going to kill me
if I tell her. I did told her I wrote an letter or email but didn't tell it was RJ she feels he is not right one for me. I mean he is the right guy but marriage is the bonding of family as well as the person. And his family and my family won't ever be happy.

Life is all about moving ahead. We meet new peoples, create new memories. Might I did wish him to find purpose of life but did I know purpose of my life. Might be its the time to close the chapter of my life. And open new chapter of life looking forward!

P.S: If he ever callbacks on my office number then my stupid voice message would say my name :( So much of calling anonymously :( I can't reveal my name to him my bad my self respect would go in drain hai na !!! :( :( Else I was planning to write him a  second mail but now I have to let go of it and think practical...

I am planning to move to Cali but have too much on my plate. My sis seriously thinks that its the bad decision.
I had a dream of staying next to his house. I had almost had dreams of him for 4-5 times after writing an email :(. Offcourse I know his address hope it doesn't make me super creepy person I just found it by chance. But anyway the point is should I try or let it go?

But god should give atleast one signal that its ok to take risk ....

Is Ravan really bad?

I didn't know that answers which I am seeking were inside the book of Ravan written by Amish.
Might be the back of the mind I always knew the answer and might be I didn't want to acknowledge it.

Currently I am in love with this book.

<Poem from that book>

The Clouds rush to the
Mountain,
they caress him gently,
they fight for his attention,
they rise to kiss his lips.
The Clouds believe the Mountain is smitten,
that he stands so high to not let them pass,
that he stands uncomfortably still, with rishi-like repose,
because he waits for their return every year.
There’s no doubt in their mind:
The Mountain loves them.
It’s sad that they’ll never know
that the Mountain doesn’t care for them,
he only wants the nourishing rain they carry,
he doesn’t nudge them up to kiss them,
he does it to break them and get what he wants,
and by the time they understand,
it’s too late.
It’s sad that no Cloud survives to warn the others.
The River rushes to the Sea,
her instincts tell her this is her destiny.
She’s grown up on stories of love,
on tales of blind and illogical passion,
and she’s in too much of a hurry to meet
her lover, to feel rather than think.
But when she sees the Sea,
his immensity, depth, power,
she hesitates and meanders.
But her innate romanticism wins,
And she flows happily into his arms.
It’s sad that she’ll never know
that the Sea doesn’t love her,
that the Sea is too lost in his own grandiosity
to even notice the River.
That her loving embrace doesn’t change the Sea,
that the water she received as a gift from the Sea
was actually given to her by a philanthropic Sun.

And then there’s the Earth.
Unlike the others, she thinks more than feels,
Her mind is more powerful than her heart,
She sees the Sun,
Luminous and spirited, alone and magnificent,
Has so much and is so wasteful with it.
The Earth, being smart,
Uses the Sun’s wasted energy,
Nourishes herself and grows,
in character, in mind, body and spirit.
She marvels at her own brilliance
and what she’s done with her life.
She fears the Sun and his immense power,
and detests the way he lavishes his God-given gifts.
It’s sad that she’ll never know that the Sun could have left,
Yet he stands there all alone, so that he can give to the Earth.
He burns himself, so she may benefit from it,
He wants to come closer, but he knows he can’t,
He knows his passion is so strong that he’ll hurt her,
So he stands apart and admires his Lady.
It’s sad that no one’s around to tell the Earth
Tell her just how much the Sun loves her.
<>

People have said that Sita the second part is the best might be I will hold till Thursday to read it. After many years I had that serine feeling of reading continuously that's beauty of  the book which holds us together.

In a spur of moment I called RJ today and I listened to his voice it was so confused but to me it was refreshing I felt nice. I felt calm and happy just like that. I think small small things matters to us lot. I have been planning to call from almost a year or two and didn't knew how to but finally randomly I discussed this with my friend who suggested me to call from my office number.

I thought over a span of months and then understood over a span of time that I don't trust anyone rather than Vishal and RJ. RJ I am still not sure though, he might be bad.


..... continued

Random Selector

I know this is stupid of me but I use most of the times random selector. But what to do if I ask my sis to help me on what to do or I am confused then most common answer would be do what u think is best. I mean if I would have known what is right then why would have asked her.

Gaurav never calls these days so I complained to my sister she is like don't ping him or call till week and wait. Take a week gap and then you will know what you feel about.I think we are not talking because we don't know what to talk. But if it was Ro I could have talked a lot. I love to talk and I need someone who likes to listen.

Kinds of people I have talked - over shy, little shy and egoistic, friendly, very direct that makes you uncomfortable, straightforward. Now I wonder whom I like the most.

Ro - Lots of ego but was nice and cute and most of all he was weirdo and I like weird people offcourse I won't tell anyone :)

I like friendly guy till now. Lets check how straightforward guy turns to be. Anyway I wonder talking to all these people I could write character sketch for my story.

I still wonder if I meet Ro what would I say. Meri bolti to Ro se milte hai band ho jati hai nahi to mein avayi kitni bakbak karti rehti hu. But anyway Ro is far fetched dream which would never would come true :) If life is too short I have to meet you once again its one of my wish.

Selector .....
      Microsoft Seattle Office---> MICROSOFT IT IS

I think the probability is of Microsoft or Vmware or Nvidia office. I like Boston a lot so I am inclined towards it.

Not moving to Bay Area for sure because I want to buy home which would be way to expensive in Bay Area

Now I am even considering of doing Phd and as always my sis says why the hell do u want to do Phd. Better spend some time in starting ur own business because thats ur next wishlist.