Confused me or I am just overthinking

I don't know if I should actually write this post or not. I mean I am confused I sometimes think I like Shrirang but sometimes I think I don't know. I am confused if I actually actually like him or just the idea of him. Hope I am not painting the perfect picture of him in my mind and the reality is completely different.

And sometimes my mind still wanders and starts thinking of RJ. But I am not committed to anyone so its not wrong. I mean sometimes I still think of meeting RJ just to confirm and also to get rid of the pieces of the broken dream which I had built unknowingly.

My friends think that RJ's story is over it but I want to prove myself that I am worthy enough to work in any FAANG companies and I was worthy enough to date him. Might be at that time I did feel actually bad. Now I actually don't care I take an experience meeting people and take motivation from them. Shrirang is actually special because he is the first guy I actually met else I was just talking to people. RJ I don't know him so its all about rosy picture which I crafted in my mind.

I am afraid to get married actually because I want to marry someone if I really love someone not just of sake of marriage or I don't mind waiting. Because I can still buy my own house and decorate and adopt the cute lil girl and go on vacations with her or my sissy. Actually I don't need anyone so why to invite unhappiness. The guy with whom I am not happy and not content I am definitely not going to date or marry for sure. 

But one thing I know for sure my love and marriage wouldn't be dragged for long in the dating and knowing phase for sure. I mean everything in my life it just happens when I least expects the things to work out. I mean if I will meet someone then the things will work out so smoothly and fast that how we would get married even that I won't know. 

But one thing which would actually add some brownie points for any guy if he actually tries to adjust for me rather than just expecting like a typical guy to just expect girls to adjust on her career. But even though we are in 21st century I feel only girls have to make adjustments. I like someone who is different, weird, special in off course in a nice way.

Now that I am looking for switch I am thinking of moving to California. Because I will get lots of option to switch without thinking of moving my house again and roaming all states around. And I can create my own sweet home my space. I don't mind even if its the condo its my dream to have an house of my own.  

My parents think that I should start looking for jobs in Seattle but I don't want to actually atleast till the point I am not committed. Me being single I still think California is the wise choice for now.

One thing I am actually worried is about our profession . Because now his career is at the peak and my career is just beginning. For me its time to enjoy a bit and work but for him it won't be possible. And when its possible for him then my career would be at peak. Not sure if's the good or bad thing. 

Sometimes I just feel like talking to him all the concerns and worries which I have in relationship but then I don't want to tag myself as over analyzer.  What I dream about is having small cute family where there is understanding in the relationship and not just one of them is understanding it should be from both sides, then have cute house and twins :) Small vacations with my family, solo ones and also with friends. Me being famous, renowned as entrepreneur or just some individual who has made an significant impact on the society like Linus Torvalds. I just don't want to have normal boring life something special and interesting in nice way my story should be :)

Anonymous email

Yesterday night I wrote an email especially an "Anonymous email" to RJ telling him that I like him.
Hope it should go into his spam mail but corner of my little heart secretly hopes that he should read it.

This is the mail which I wrote him:

<>

I think I like you. You might not even know me so don't stress out remembering it.

My friends say that its better to tell that person whom you really like than regretting

it so here I am letting you know. Just sending it anonymously because its not

going to work.

. . . . .

. . . . .

<>

The thing is I am talking to many people but I don't feel they are meant to be. For whom I feel I should say it na.

So here i am telling him what i feel about him. Might be it would never be read because i don't even know what's his mail id is. I just randomly dropped an email guessing to be his. 

I think I am taking an efforts to make relationship work but do I really like them? Them are the people whom I am actually talking to or kind of dating. No I don't like them. So I thought why not to take some efforts for the person who is worth and I really like for who he is! Few weeks back I had called him but didn't had guts to actually speak on phone. So what I couldn't say I wrote it. 

I have even deleted the number from my phone and the book, so I won't be tempted to call. Mail would be the last one. I believe that if we want something and if its meant to be then universe will fight against all odds and make it happen. Hope he would join dots and call me back on my office number which I had used to call him few days back or it was never meant to be. And I could move on and meet and talk to the new people with open mind than just regretting that I could have at least made some effort.

Tick list:
- Writing someone a letter telling about my feelings (Done)

I am happy though for telling my feeling to someone in actual to the person I actually liked!
This is one of the things which I haven't shared with my sissy definitely she is going to kill me
if I tell her. I did told her I wrote an letter or email but didn't tell it was RJ she feels he is not right one for me. I mean he is the right guy but marriage is the bonding of family as well as the person. And his family and my family won't ever be happy.

Life is all about moving ahead. We meet new peoples, create new memories. Might I did wish him to find purpose of life but did I know purpose of my life. Might be its the time to close the chapter of my life. And open new chapter of life looking forward!

P.S: If he ever callbacks on my office number then my stupid voice message would say my name :( So much of calling anonymously :( I can't reveal my name to him my bad my self respect would go in drain hai na !!! :( :( Else I was planning to write him a  second mail but now I have to let go of it and think practical...

I am planning to move to Cali but have too much on my plate. My sis seriously thinks that its the bad decision.
I had a dream of staying next to his house. I had almost had dreams of him for 4-5 times after writing an email :(. Offcourse I know his address hope it doesn't make me super creepy person I just found it by chance. But anyway the point is should I try or let it go?

But god should give atleast one signal that its ok to take risk ....

Is Ravan really bad?

I didn't know that answers which I am seeking were inside the book of Ravan written by Amish.
Might be the back of the mind I always knew the answer and might be I didn't want to acknowledge it.

Currently I am in love with this book.

<Poem from that book>

The Clouds rush to the
Mountain,
they caress him gently,
they fight for his attention,
they rise to kiss his lips.
The Clouds believe the Mountain is smitten,
that he stands so high to not let them pass,
that he stands uncomfortably still, with rishi-like repose,
because he waits for their return every year.
There’s no doubt in their mind:
The Mountain loves them.
It’s sad that they’ll never know
that the Mountain doesn’t care for them,
he only wants the nourishing rain they carry,
he doesn’t nudge them up to kiss them,
he does it to break them and get what he wants,
and by the time they understand,
it’s too late.
It’s sad that no Cloud survives to warn the others.
The River rushes to the Sea,
her instincts tell her this is her destiny.
She’s grown up on stories of love,
on tales of blind and illogical passion,
and she’s in too much of a hurry to meet
her lover, to feel rather than think.
But when she sees the Sea,
his immensity, depth, power,
she hesitates and meanders.
But her innate romanticism wins,
And she flows happily into his arms.
It’s sad that she’ll never know
that the Sea doesn’t love her,
that the Sea is too lost in his own grandiosity
to even notice the River.
That her loving embrace doesn’t change the Sea,
that the water she received as a gift from the Sea
was actually given to her by a philanthropic Sun.

And then there’s the Earth.
Unlike the others, she thinks more than feels,
Her mind is more powerful than her heart,
She sees the Sun,
Luminous and spirited, alone and magnificent,
Has so much and is so wasteful with it.
The Earth, being smart,
Uses the Sun’s wasted energy,
Nourishes herself and grows,
in character, in mind, body and spirit.
She marvels at her own brilliance
and what she’s done with her life.
She fears the Sun and his immense power,
and detests the way he lavishes his God-given gifts.
It’s sad that she’ll never know that the Sun could have left,
Yet he stands there all alone, so that he can give to the Earth.
He burns himself, so she may benefit from it,
He wants to come closer, but he knows he can’t,
He knows his passion is so strong that he’ll hurt her,
So he stands apart and admires his Lady.
It’s sad that no one’s around to tell the Earth
Tell her just how much the Sun loves her.
<>

People have said that Sita the second part is the best might be I will hold till Thursday to read it. After many years I had that serine feeling of reading continuously that's beauty of  the book which holds us together.

In a spur of moment I called RJ today and I listened to his voice it was so confused but to me it was refreshing I felt nice. I felt calm and happy just like that. I think small small things matters to us lot. I have been planning to call from almost a year or two and didn't knew how to but finally randomly I discussed this with my friend who suggested me to call from my office number.

I thought over a span of months and then understood over a span of time that I don't trust anyone rather than Vishal and RJ. RJ I am still not sure though, he might be bad.


..... continued

Random Selector

I know this is stupid of me but I use most of the times random selector. But what to do if I ask my sis to help me on what to do or I am confused then most common answer would be do what u think is best. I mean if I would have known what is right then why would have asked her.

Gaurav never calls these days so I complained to my sister she is like don't ping him or call till week and wait. Take a week gap and then you will know what you feel about.I think we are not talking because we don't know what to talk. But if it was Ro I could have talked a lot. I love to talk and I need someone who likes to listen.

Kinds of people I have talked - over shy, little shy and egoistic, friendly, very direct that makes you uncomfortable, straightforward. Now I wonder whom I like the most.

Ro - Lots of ego but was nice and cute and most of all he was weirdo and I like weird people offcourse I won't tell anyone :)

I like friendly guy till now. Lets check how straightforward guy turns to be. Anyway I wonder talking to all these people I could write character sketch for my story.

I still wonder if I meet Ro what would I say. Meri bolti to Ro se milte hai band ho jati hai nahi to mein avayi kitni bakbak karti rehti hu. But anyway Ro is far fetched dream which would never would come true :) If life is too short I have to meet you once again its one of my wish.

Selector .....
      Microsoft Seattle Office---> MICROSOFT IT IS

I think the probability is of Microsoft or Vmware or Nvidia office. I like Boston a lot so I am inclined towards it.

Not moving to Bay Area for sure because I want to buy home which would be way to expensive in Bay Area

Now I am even considering of doing Phd and as always my sis says why the hell do u want to do Phd. Better spend some time in starting ur own business because thats ur next wishlist.

Amid Pandemic

I am feeling like I am dreaming about the life similar to Bird's box movie but its actually happening. This year I had planned so much. From switching a job, to buying a house and at least seriously date someone if not marry. Sonaki and me even prioritized our goals for a year but then covid19 happened and now we have to re-prioritize it again :( So now the biggest priority for us is to save our job. I know its going to hit hard on the economy and I can't turn blind eye and imagine its never going to happen. In between my mom keeps urging to talk to guys whom I get request from matrimony site or either ping Vishal but I don't want to amid this wave of uncertainty. Both of which I am not going to do. Better than talking or chatting virtually I would instead hangout with my friends or talk to my family. Worried also about Ro, he works indirectly with airlines in Germany hope he is fine and also his job is secure. In US the layoffs are very common but in Germany I am not sure.

My priority is now is to focus on my job and study. And also force my sister to study computer science topics. As soon as everything will get stabilize will like to meet Ro atleast for last time. Might be I have never officially dated him but he was the indirect motivator in my life and for that I have to thank him. Buy house in US or India I think I can clear my house loan if I buy loan though it would be little stressful but that's my wishlist. Earlier I was thinking of first getting married and then prioritizing but now I have chucked off marriage from my list and now things are getting better I am able to think clear and plan things accordingly. I am not of the person who would leave things on destiny. I like to take things in my hand and plan accordingly.

Also I don't think US is doing good job in handling pandemic. One side is economy and other side is virus though US has money we are not managing it properly. So worst case might be I have to return back to India or die in covid19.

SO LIFE is TOO SHORT appreciate what time you actually have than cursing what you don't have.

I know as my sis says my wishlist would never be consistent would always be changing. But atleast I can make smaller achievable wishlist.

My WishList:

1. Buy & decorate house (swing is must)
2. Wear famous designer dress (Sabyasachi, Anita Dogra designed)
3. Visit Denmark.Germany.Fiji
4. Atleast fix some failures or do some enhancement in opensource "linux kernel" code kind of work with Linus Torvald
5. Open Chai & Book store kind of concept (no coffee & book) because I love tea than coffee
6. Meet muskaan..i am big time fan of her fanfics.
7 . I want to adopt a girl and name her Sia atleast till I reach 30. Might be because I really want to be mother more than a wife.

<to be continued>

First date: MayBe

I think I need to reset my parameters to search my life partner. Like my car people told AWD is mandatory and then I started limiting my options to AWD car. Which later I did discard and thought on the features which I actually actually want and not just because people have told me to. But now I think here the analogy to AWD is the caste which I think is not necessary, my parents say its important just to eliminate the risk of divorce but I think we don't have any control on life. Life is not in my hand and I had the long time wish to date someone might be it would work and might be it wont we can just be friends. But atleast my wish to date someone would be ticked and that would make me happy.

So this weekend someone actually asked me out for lunch/dinner. Funny thing is I don't know much about him and kind of going on blind date. He had asked me for rock climbing initially but then I denied because I am really scared of heights and don't want to do something  which I am really scared of. And then Aman asked me for lunch or dinner which I agreed. Off course, I would pursue for lunch and dinner is not an option. I know this won't work out because he is from Amazon and I have a very bad history with Amazon as a company and also with guys from Amazon it never works out in my case. I did agree just for my experience and wish list to go on date.  

Gaurav with whom I was talking initially first did show some interest in meeting me but now I don't think he interested in meeting which is kind of confusing but I can't be in a confused and hopeful state. I did like Gaurav he had all the qualities which i was looking even though I think little shorter than me I was ready to ignore that fact due to all other qualities. Even my parents liked him. But now he is delaying the meeting which might affect my wish to get married this December. If it doesn't work out then I have to again start looking for guys from scratch which would be very late. So I have accepted to go out on lunch with Aman. 

Relationships are really confusing and finding the life partner till Dec is a challenge. Dec is not any hardcore deadline set by anyone its just my wish to get married till I am 28 years. And in India people usually get married in between Dec - Feb. Even if I don't get married but still I would be happy because I have made some efforts to achieve what I actually want. I might just adopt one child because I want to be mother more than a wife.

Again after watching my favorite movie "Jab We Met" I have started believing it -
"What we actually actually wish from our heart we get it"

Movies and books totally influence me :(


Now back to work @NK. Life is so difficult na have to involve emotionally to find a life partner, study harder to switch for high paying job, work hard to be in par with colleagues, be fit to eat what we wish to eat and what we wish to wear and all also actually do and learn what you loved or wish to do. For me its playing badminton, going on vacation visiting new places understanding new culture, going on adventure though little scary one are the things which makes me happy!


Update:
My first date didn't happen I didn't msg him that day because was not sure so instead went out with my friend for dinner and on Sunday visited with same friend witch museum. Had fun! We even did some things out of box such as visiting an Psychic and had our reading which offcourse I don't believe. She told that I won't get married this year due to some reasons :( pakka it might be due to this coronavirus. We even had plans to do photoshoot together in witch outfits but our bad the shop got closed early.

Update 2:
We had rescheduled our date to next Saturday and this time we had decided to go on hiking and have lunch. But it got cancelled again due to coronavirus lockout kind of situation. So I think I kind of have bad luck in meeting or dating anyone!

I think its ok to meet people who stay nearby I could atleast meet someone I am done with texting and calling I think its waste of time. Earlier I used to text but later I got bored so I then tried calling which again didn't work out. So this time I have stopped texting and calling and now its directly meeting anyone rather than wasting my precious time which I could I have spent in reading some awesome fanfics or chitchatting with the close ones.

Anyway dating chats and all I need to stop for sometime I could just do some timewaste when got bored kind of might be I may find someone serious but else I need to focus on wishlist I had focused earlier before coming back from my India trip.

Wishing me a birthday!

Turning 28 today! Should I feel sad or happy :) Happy because its my birthday and sad because I am 28! Funny thing happened my sis and Gaurav both called me at midnight and I had hard time deciding whose call I should I pick? I could see my future now. Me being in any relationship will surely get in a way with my sisterly bond and I have to maintain both. And I picked Gaurav's call had a hard time later to manofy my sister.  Fareen have warned me to not get emotionally attached but I couldn't stop thinking about it. 

I don't know if this relationship would work or not but its worth a shot. My sister also thinks that he likes me but me and my trust issues I would always need an assurance. But I felt that connect while talking to Gaurav. With Vishal I was always in that friendly zone, but with Gaurav I feel that I am in relationship. What I admire about him is that he is clear about what he actually wants and he is direct on that front. Vishal was good looking and his family was also good but I couldn't form that connect with him. So only I had accepted request from Gaurav when Vishal didn't ping me for more than a month and I think I was right. I mean now when I am talking to Gaurav and knowing him better I don't want to talk to other guys. Fareen and my mom think that you should talk to other guys but I think that even if it doesn't work its fine. I understand there concern that if this relationship doesn't work out you will waste your time. But you have to take some risk in your life and have to take a decision. I am planning to meet Gaurav next month in March. Lets see how it goes.

Its not like that we both are similar I could say that we are totally opposite. In food front he is purely non veg guy and his fav is biryani, while mine is also related to rice but would stick to veg. He is into lot of adventurous sports and I am literally terrified of all adventurous activities. What not fear I have - fear of water, fear of heights and I am not afraid to share with him. But most of all I could imagine a family while talking to him. I always want someone to take control of life it doesn't mean being bossy around me but taking decisions. Being elder I always had the pressure to think and take decisions I always thought that while starting family I don't want to have upper hand. I know its weird because I have never been a follower I have always been followed by and not reverse. But in relationship I want to be follower.

The thing with me is I get quickly attached and quickly detached. And finally I think about my life with my family is best and why too make it complicated. Lets start working on it. I am deviating now from my task which I had thought I would accomplish when I am back now have to start working.

Life in India

I feel I am depressed in US sometimes many times might be not depressed but kind of lost road or clueless that if this is the right way. But sometimes we have to just walk and keep going and if we are lost we should retrace the right way. But don't know why I am still going to US back when my heart stays in India with my family.

This time I am in India for longer period though its affecting my office work but what I care right now is not my work but my sister's life. I mean she is physically fine but she is clueless in her life what to do next. Even I don't know what is right or wrong but what I could create options, lot of ways. But ultimately it would be her decision what path to choose. I don't want her to just say that do this do that. I want be with her every step until she is confident enough to survive on her own. Pursuing her to join some classes was very tough task but I am not someone who would easily give up. Somewhat I know I made her life too hectic but its fine I want her to do something and she would not ask parents for any help because they get too excited about anything. I think what she needs is motivation and someone who would say that everything will be ok and guide her along. I might be wrong but her to atleast take first step, she needs that push.

Today I bought Sheryl Sanburg's book from crossword and started reading random chapters. Plan is to read it in the flight. This time I am not doing any trip, plan is to save most of the money. I think I found the way to resolve my issue. One thing is sure I can't settle in US, I have to come back to India. My sister says I have become nostalgic because of staying for longer time. But now its the time to actually think why US? For ourselves and not for the sake of answering in Visa interview. Now I have to focus to create the path to return back to India while serving the purpose for which I actually went to US. I know its little ambitious but atleast I have to give it a shot.

As the days are coming near I am feeling sad I have to return back to work away from family. Today visited Shirdi via roadtrip. Though my dad had to drive all way, but we had fun. I am going to miss this, I know earlier I was obsessed with working in US but now I am not I want to come back because these days won't come back. These days with my sister, my parents. It makes me happy more than anything. Now it depends on how strong my wish is and how hard I am gonna try for it. I love travelling but I can't enjoy without my family or friends. I used to do solo trips infact last year I did lot of trips but travelling  alone won't create much stories.

<to be continued..>